An Excerpt from
THE WAR PARTY
by Vincent Delaney
Reprinted with permission from the author.
Time: 3:30 AM on Election Night, The Present
Place: A campaign war room
JESSIE
She won an election.
Silence.
JESSIE
It was her hair.
LAURA
What?
JESSIE
That stupid soccer mom bowl cut. With the bangs. That’s what did it.
LAURA
You think Patti’s hair got her 59 percent?
JESSIE
I know it did. Every ad was a full on hair shot. There she was, toying with her bangs. Aimed right at the suburban vote.
LAURA
I hardly noticed her hair.
JESSIE
Did you see how many wind shots she did? Hair blows left, hair blows right, hair settles in a cute, disarming clump. I thought you knew.
LAURA
It wasn’t abortion rights?
JESSIE
Hair.
LAURA
Do you not like my hair?
JESSIE
I love your hair. Don’t be silly. It’s kind of severe.
LAURA
Severe?
JESSIE
Just the way you’ve got it so sculpted. Like a helmet. I love it, I always have. But it’s so hard and firm. I think the voters saw it as a classic conservative stereotype.
LAURA
I see.
JESSIE
I’m being rude, aren’t I? I can tell, I feel rude.
LAURA
I paid half a million for focus groups. And all that time it was my hair.
JESSIE
Gosh this is strong champagne.
LAURA
It wasn’t Social Security? You’re sure?
JESSIE
Hair.
LAURA
Immigration?
JESSIE
Hair.
LAURA
Global warming?
JESSIE
Hair.
LAURA
My stance on—
JESSIE
Hair.
Uncomfortable silence.
JESSIE
Thank you so much for the champagne, Ms. Smith. Laura. I’m going to let you get some rest now…we’ve had quite a week.
LAURA (Vicious)
You’re right, never drink with a loser. Career death. Wipe your prints off the glass before you go. Here, let me help you.
Laura grabs Jessie’s glass, throws it against the wall. It shatters.
JESSIE
I’m sorry…I never thought to—
LAURA (Sweet)
So Jessie, tell me about telemarketing.
JESSIE
Telemarketing.
LAURA
I mean outreach. I’m curious.
JESSIE
Maybe I should go.
LAURA
No, no. Sit. How does it work?
JESSIE
Well, we get the lists—the names—
LAURA
From where?
JESSIE
They buy them actually, there are companies—
LAURA
So then what?
JESSIE
You know, maybe I should—
LAURA
Then what?
JESSIE
Well, I’m there with a headset, and I’ve got the person’s name on my screen—
LAURA
That’s it? Just the name?
JESSIE
No, they give us other information.
LAURA
Like what?
JESSIE
Well, just stuff to work with. Cold calling is tough.
LAURA
Like?
JESSIE
Well, income—
LAURA
You know their incomes?
JESSIE
Well, yeah. We have to know what they make.
LAURA
You don’t call the poor folk.
JESSIE
Waste of time.
LAURA
What else?
JESSIE
Hobbies, race—
LAURA
Race?
JESSIE
We don’t care about it. I don’t say, hi Mr. Rubeo, I see here you’re Hispanic, so who are you voting for?
LAURA
So what do you say?
JESSIE
Hi, I’m Jessie, calling on behalf of Senator Smith. Is this Mr. Rubeo?
LAURA (Bad accent)
Si, senorita.
JESSIE
Super. How are you doing this evening?
LAURA
Muy bien.
JESSIE
I see here you’re Hispanic. That’s a joke, Laura. I’m calling to talk about Senator Smith.
LAURA
Hurry up, my kids are screaming, I have seven.
JESSIE
Laura, that’s a stereotype!
LAURA
I have seven kids!
JESSIE
Okay, well, Senator Smith fights for education.
LAURA
Then why can’t my kids read?
JESSIE
We’re very concerned. Senator Smith believes—
LAURA
I was joking, my kids are scholars.
JESSIE
You have a fine sense of humor, Mr. Rubeo. Have you considered a contribution?
LAURA
My wife would kill me, she’s a Democrat.
JESSIE
We don’t have to tell her, do we? It’ll be our secret.
LAURA
You have a sexy voice. What did you say your name was?
JESSIE
Jessie. You sound special, too.
LAURA
How old are you?
JESSIE
You’ll have to pay for that information.
LAURA (Breaking the role play)
You really are quite good at this, aren’t you?
JESSIE
Hours of practice. I had one crotchety old biddy, wouldn’t let me say a word. Just went on and on how she hadn’t voted since Kennedy, and since she hadn’t gotten the full four years out of him, she wasn’t about to vote again. And I’m just, uh huh, I see, oh my, for five minutes. Then she announces I’ve changed her life, and how much would we like?
LAURA
What did you say?
JESSIE
Fifteen thousand. On her credit card. Right then and there.
LAURA
Fifteen thousand?
JESSIE
Well come on, we needed it.
LAURA
That’s against the law.
JESSIE
We do it all the time.
LAURA
You broke the law?
JESSIE
Well, your campaign did. I didn’t personally.
LAURA
What’s the worst thing they say to you?
JESSIE
Oh, you don’t want to—
LAURA
Sure I do. Tell me.
JESSIE
People get grouchy sometimes, after dinner, you know—
LAURA
Let’s hear it.
JESSIE
Well, they swear sometimes—
LAURA
Like what?
JESSIE
Oh, fuck you, fuck you bitch, fuck you you fucking bitch, stuff like that.
LAURA
Really? What did they say about me?
JESSIE
Laura, ninety nine percent of the people I called were gracious—
LAURA
Tell me—
JESSIE
Receptive—
LAURA
Tell me—
JESSIE
Thoughtful—
LAURA
TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME, what did they say about me!
JESSIE
That right wing racist homophobic helmet headed bitch will never get a cent out of me! Could I have some more champagne?
Laura doesn’t move. Jessie pours her own glass, downs it in one swallow.
JESSIE
I know what’s next.
LAURA
You do.
JESSIE
I’m not supposed to. But I heard Jack talking. About the plan.
LAURA
The plan.
JESSIE
Governor Smith.
LAURA
Excuse me?
JESSIE
Oh yeah. Governor Smith. It’s got a ring.
LAURA
How am I—
JESSIE
First you want a couple weeks off, recover, let the media pick on Patti. Now you’re the underdog.
LAURA
The loser.
JESSIE
Yes! It changes everything.
LAURA
I see…
JESSIE
People will like you now. There’s finally a reason to care about you.
LAURA
Thank goodness.
JESSIE
Lay low a while—
LAURA
Visit an orphanage or two—
JESSIE
Yes, but no cameras—
LAURA
Right.
JESSIE
Then you announce. He’s scared. His base is narrow, and he knows it.
LAURA
The governor is?
JESSIE
Pooping bricks.
LAURA
Did my campaign manager say all this?
JESSIE
I know it’s not my business. But everyone’s so excited.
LAURA
After all, I did awfully well tonight.
JESSIE
She lied! She distorted your record.
LAURA
Did she?
JESSIE
Nobody could be that evil. You have to run.
LAURA
Well yes, I did get twenty eight percent. Three out of nine baseball players, that’s the whole outfield. Who needs the rest?
JESSIE
If you had just changed your hair—
LAURA
I could have fielded a shortshop!
JESSIE
She made them hate you. She ran nothing but attacks, and even though you never fought back, twenty eight percent never stopped loving you.
LAURA
Never fought back?
JESSIE
Well, I mean, you didn’t, you said you wouldn’t, so that was the right thing to do.
LAURA
I said I wouldn’t go negative.
JESSIE
And we were proud of you. It killed us in the polls, but it was the right thing to do.
LAURA
We spent eighty million.
JESSIE
And we never once fought back.
Beat.
LAURA
You have opinions about my campaign.
JESSIE
I don’t, I’m just a volunteer.
LAURA
You think I screwed up.
JESSIE
No.
LAURA
Sure you do! I can see it right now, look at you. You’re an expert, aren’t you, say it!
JESSIE
I don’t know a thing, I’m a Poly Sci major.
LAURA
You’re in school? This is an assignment?
JESSIE
It’s an independent study.
LAURA
You’ve written reports. Oh my God.
JESSIE
Actually I dropped out, it’s not for credit.
LAURA
What were the titles?
JESSIE
No, I’m on leave, there are no reports—
LAURA
Laura Smith, Classic Conservative Stereotype? B is for Bigot? Helmet Head in the Senate?
JESSIE
No!
LAURA
You’re doing a book, is that it? This whole volunteer thing is a scam, isn’t it? What are you, a tabloid hack?
JESSIE
I’m a young Republican.
LAURA
You don’t look like one to me. You look liberal!
JESSIE
What on earth does a liberal look like?
LAURA
Like you! Big moon eyes! Let me guess, you’re a plant, you work for Patti.
JESSIE
I don’t work for Patti.
LAURA
But you wish you did! Admit it. You like her hair better.
JESSIE
Why didn’t you stand up to her?
LAURA
Who says I didn’t?
JESSIE
Everyone! She hit you on abortion, gun control, she turned you into a white skinned stiff haired monstrosity. And you didn’t do a thing! Your divorce, you could have reached out to women. And your daughter, my God, we could have used that. That would have resonated with other victims, they wanted to grieve with you. You could have made yourself so much more human.
LAURA
So you have been thinking.
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